Reach Out

The End

2009-07-08T14:49:00.000+01:00

Due to something someone said to me yesterday I have decided to stop blogging. Apparently it is stupid and not the way to get out my feelings. So this is it, its over. No more blogging. No more letting people know how I feel in the only way I know how to and the only way I can.

When I see you smile I know you should love me...

2009-07-01T20:27:00.002+01:00

I wish you would love me. I wish it was two way and I didnt feel like you were using me. I love you so much but you dont understand how much you hurt me. Like last night. You promised to come round, were over 1hr late and didnt bother to let me know you were going to be late and then just use me... I cant take this.

I LOVE YOU

and you should love me too. I want you to want me. I want you to love me!

Self-Harm

2009-06-30T20:09:00.002+01:00

Its not as rare as people believe. We hide it, we keep it a secret from the world. Most of the time because we are ashamed of what we do and why we do it. Here are some statistics:

* The group with the highest rates of self-harm are young women aged 15-19 years. In all age groups, females are more likely to self-harm than males.
* Self-harm can involve different degrees of risk to life, ranging from a wish to die through to self-harm being used as a coping strategy which allows the person to carry on living. The acts can range from high degree of seriousness resulting in coma, irreversible damage, need for intensive care, through to physical injuries which do not require medical attention.
* Acts of self-harm, particularly habitual self-injury such as self-cutting, are often seen by others as manipulative or attention-seeking. However those who do self-harm have usually lived through very difficult and painful experiences and describe their behaviour as a way of coping with overwhelming feelings and gaining a sense of control.
* Several studies have shown that approximately one out of every 100 people who are seen at hospital for self-harm will die by suicide within a year of the self-harm. This is a suicide risk approximately 100 times that of the general population.
* Rates of self-harm in the UK are among the highest in Europe at 400 per 100,000 per year. self-harm rose dramatically from the late 1960s to the early 1970s, then decreased in the early 1980s but rose again by the end of the decade.
* Women are more likely than men to self-harm, however whereas women once showed two or three times the male rate, recent increases in self-harm by men have changed the female to male ratio to 1.6:1.
* Self Harm is not the same as Self Injury. The former includes minor drug overdoses and parasuicide (attempted suicide) where as the latter does not
* Depression is the most common psychiatric disorder in deliberate self-harm patients.
* The death of a major public figure can influence rates of self-harm, although there is not enough research to understand exactly what factors are involved.
* Approximately 1 in 10 teenagers self injure

Self-harm is a way of expressing very deep distress. Often, people don't know why they self-harm. It's a means of communicating what can't be put into words or even into thoughts and has been described as an inner scream. Afterwards, people feel better able to cope with life again, for a while.

People who harm themselves generally have

1. Issues or traumas that they have not accepted or resolved or
2. Intense emotional pain/ feelings

Types of intense emotional pain or feelings can be: Anger

* Self-Hatred – Often people who self harm feel bad about themselves, which may result in low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

* Despair

* Fear or Anxiety

* Guilt

* Sadness

* Emptiness

* Feeling unreal- This can happen when a person feels so out of touch with everything that they feel numb and alone but by harming themselves they feel more alive

Self-injurers come from all walks of life and all economic brackets. People who harm themselves can be male or female; gay, straight, or bi; Ph.D.s or high-school dropouts; rich or poor; from any country in the world.

all info taken from http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Self-Harm_Information#Statistics

I self harm. I do it because it makes me know that this is all real. Its also a way I can punish myself for the abuse. I hate myself, am very angry, i have high anxiety - i am always comparing myself to others, i suffer from paranoia, i am always lonely, i feel guilty, i feel empty too.

I want to stop but right now there is nothing else... i'm not ready to stop

I wanna cut

2009-06-29T23:02:00.001+01:00

I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town

2009-06-29T09:19:00.003+01:00

S.Andrews is no longer my home. It will always be my first church, and I will always have a place for it in my heart but I feel like a stranger there. I feel lost and as if I don't belong there any more.

I felt a bit invisible last night.I knew a few people but most were new faces who I had no clue of their names. I had to leave rather quickly after the service because I was getting a lift with my mums friend who wanted to be back in case she had to pick up her daughter from a friends house. So I had little chance to catch up with those whom I was good friends with. Half of them didn't see me or realise it was me.

Its no longer my home. But I don't feel DC3 is my home either. It is more of a home than St.A's but there is still something missing - I think its from my part, not from the church.

My trust issues are getting worse and are keeping me from getting close to anyone. People get so far and then that's it they hit a brick wall. The get no closer.

As the song by Nerina Pallot says:

"So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe,
No I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
I just need a hope and a light to follow,
Like sailors look to stars to find their way home,
I'm learning to breathe on my own."

I am slowly getting there, its a long, hard, tough road but one day I will find my home.

Alissa Lies by Jason Michael Carroll

2009-06-28T16:10:00.000+01:00

I love this song - its personal to me and I can relate to it.

My little girl met a new friend,
just the other day,
on the playground at school
between the tires and the swings

But she came home with tear-filled eyes,
and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"

Well I just brushed it off at first,
'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt
or the things she had seen.
I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me"

and she said...

"Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"

My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep.
As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet
"God bless my mom and my Dad
and my new friend, Alyssa
*oh*I know she needs you bad

Because Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"

(bridge)

I had the worst night of sleep in years
as I tried to think of a way to calm her fears
I knew just what it was I had to do *I knew exactly what I had to do*
but when we got to school on Monday I heard the news

My little girl asked me why everybody looked so sad
the lump in my throat grew bigger
with every question that she asked.
Until I felt the tears run down my face
and I told her that Alyssa wouldn't be at school today

'Cause she doesn't lie in the classroom
she doesn't lie anymore at school
Alyssa lies with Jesus
because there's nothin' anyone would do

Tears filled my eyes when my little girl asked me why
Alyssa lies
*Oh Daddy, oh* Daddy tell me why
Alyssa lies

Hand down the toilet...

2009-06-28T12:34:00.004+01:00

I dropped my toothpaste down the toilet today and so had to fish it out by putting my hand down the toilet. For someone who has OCD I was impressed with myself for getting my toothpaste back. This all made me think...

How often do we put our hand down the toilet - not in the literal sense. We don't physically place our hand in a toilet. If you think about things we do, how we act, they can look clean and pure from the outside but can be dirty on the inside. Just like a toilet. The water looks clean but it isn't.

How often do we end up in those sort of situations? If its going out for a few drinks with mates that turn into more than a few drinks. If its innocently kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend and then it goes further. If its have the odd social cigarette with a friend that becomes an addiction to nicotine?

There are many other things that can be considered as hand down the toilet moments. As Christians we need to learn to know when we are about to put our hand down the toilet and then be strong enough to walk away.

What toilet moments do you have? How can you change them?

The Chruchyard - A poem I wrote on 28/6/09

2009-06-28T12:11:00.002+01:00

Standing in the churchyard
Surrounded by my friends
I look all around me
My broken heart can't seem to mend.
Standing in the churchyard
Alone just like before
Standing there I wonder
If I knock will He open the door?

Do I matter
To all you people in there?
Do I matter?
Does anyone care?
Do I matter?
Do you hear my voice?
Do I matter?
Do I have a choice?

Standing in the churchyard
I feel so out of place
A hypocrite who fails
Everyday a brand new face
Standing in the churchyard
I feel so insecure
Standing in the churchyard
No longer innocent and pure

Do we matter
As the people out there?
Do we matter?
Are we worth a glancing stare?
Do we matter
To anyone at all?
Do we matter?
Do you pity us fools?

The youth of today
They stand so alone
Standing in that churchyard
All we do is moan?
Standing in the churchyard
I feel so out of place
I know, however
One day I'll finish the race

Standing in the churchyard
Its where I need to be

Music makes me think...

2009-06-27T17:29:00.002+01:00

"I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own"

- Sum 41, Pieces

I love and hate this song. I love it because it reminds me that we cant be perfect - no matter how much we try. Its not worth it. I can relate to this song. I try to be perfect but can never reach it.

The lines:

"This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have"

are the ones that really stand out for me. Its how I feel all the time. No matter how many people are with me I always feel lonely. My thoughts dominate me. That is how the devil gets to me. I dont know how my self harm got so bad... its out of control now and no one knows that its this bad. My life is one spiralling mess. Its crazy! Only Jesus can save me, He is the only thing I have. Apart from the self harm.

I hate this song because its me and I dont want to be like this. I want to be ok, I want to be safe.

Back in the hood...

2009-06-24T20:32:00.003+01:00

So I'm back in Croxley Green... the place I spent the first 16years of my life. Its great to be back, I have missed this place so much.

I have an action packed 6days... well 5now coz today is nearly over. Tomorrow I am attending a hair appointment with my mate whom I am staying with. Then in the evening we are sleeping at her church. Friday we are going to london - her prom - with all her church girls... I was told to dress differently so I am going as a farmer... everyone else is going posh, jokes on me I think =/! So Friday will be Covent gardens then London eye - that will be fun =) Sat I am going to Kirsty's Church, which will be interesting. My first time at a 7 day adventist church. I am looking forward to sat night - my 2 best friends 18th birthday party... that WILL be fun! Sunday will be all good, I shall be going back to St.Andrews =) am so happy about that!!! CANNOT WAIT! Monday I am going to the BEST cafe in the world to have the BEST hot chocolate in the world... and to see some mates. And Tuesday I come back to the country.

This is going to be fun

A passing thought

2009-06-22T16:37:00.000+01:00

So life is passing quickly since I finished college. I dont know what to do with myself now a days. I have applied for JSA so hopefully that will be some form of income and a way to gain some training and experience in some career path.

I have been reflecting alot recently. I know I have written about this before but yeah I have been looking back at the years I spent at high school and how that part of my life, school, is over.

Its a scary thought, one that I am terrified by. I am so scared about my gap year and going to uni next year. I am scared that I am going to fail at my Alevels and not get a place in uni. I am scared of letting everyone down and of letting myself down. I dont want to screw up. I cant screw up. i cant, wont, be a failure! Not again!

I am hoping that God will lead the way and I am slowly starting to trust Him with this part of my life.

I am also slowly begining to trust Him with my knee, and all the pain that goes with it. It is so painful some days, but I dont want it to affect my life. Although it already is. It stops me from playing all the sports I love and I feel like I cant be with my friends because no one fully understands the pain I am suffering. All my non-xian friends just carry on and dont think about if I am in pain or not. Because of this I push myself further than I know I can go to prove to them that I can do it and that I'm not an invilid... I just want to be normal again.

Moving on

2009-06-20T17:09:00.003+01:00

Now I have come to the end of my school years I've been doing some thinking.

Its amazing how much the year I started Rickmansworth with has changed. How we have all grown up, matured, moved, and been shaped by each other. The year I started with - we all had our own little groups at the begining. If you interacted with anyone outside your group... that was bad news.

I was never really part of a group... yeah I was friends with the people I knew from junior school but tbh I was a loner... and not happy about it. I was a loner for my whole Rickmansworth experience. But I wouldnt have changed that...

By around year 9 we had started to intergrate as a year group. We started to get over the stupid petty friendship groups that we thought defined us. They still existed to some extent - they always will but we all began to push the boundries.

I was always bullied at school but I just got on with it and eventually they got the idea. But year 10 was the worst year for me... the year the real bullying took place.

Anyway that was then, and this is now. I moved away, so did some others over the years. But we will always be connected and we will always have a place that we played in each others lives.

Its over - we are all moving on, going to uni, going to work or having a gap year. Everything is changing...

Its finished, its come to an end, its over.................

I havn't changed...

2009-06-19T14:04:00.004+01:00

Me in year 7, first weeek of Secondary School. First week at Rickmansworth Secondary School, aged 11, so young and innocent. What happened to that little girl? Where did she go?

She is still here, still inside my heart. That little shy, lost, scared, broken, innocent girl is still alive. She still appears in my life today. But she is slowly leaving. I am slowly losing those feeling.

God is changing me. Since freedom in Christ I have felt more freedom within myself. I dont feel so insecure. My old self is slowly dying, she is going, ready to be gone forever

Gettin in touch

2009-06-18T17:45:00.003+01:00

I went out with Lorraine last night, after our mentor meeting, and we went to photography the world.

I love photography. I find it a way of losing myself in the world. I drift away into some other universe, where its just me and what I'm capturing. There is something so amazing about being behind the lense... I can capture any moment I like, any moment I choose can become a snapshot for the world to see.

I can express how I am feeling with what I am photographing. If I am happy I can take a picture of a beautiful sunset. If I am angry I can capture a storm. If I am upset I can photograph a crash. If I am lonely I can photograph a deserted place. I can capture every mood.

I can also show Gods amazing world to His wonderful people.

I love photography!

Chondromalacia

2009-06-10T20:29:00.002+01:00

So I finally got a diagnosis. I saw a different doctor today, he is much better than Dr.Taylor in my opinion. This guy (i cant spell his name) gave me a proper examination and then told me the condition I have: Chondromalacia (also known as Runners Knee). This basically means I have inflamation of the knee.

So thgere is a chance this may never go away. However it could go in a week, a month, a year or even a decade... i'm hoping for a week or a month. I want rid of this, I have had it for about 7months and its horrible.

I have a walking stick as an aid now, but I dont know if I can take it to Kosovo with me. But hopefully I can, and Sim (from TCF) has said he will take his crutches for me in his car if I cant take my stick...

So it kind of is an answer to prayer, which is encouraging. I prayed that I would find out what condition I have and thats what happened today... I guess I just hoped that it would get better. There is always more time I guess.

Time and time again...

2009-06-08T19:26:00.002+01:00

You think about yourself before you think about me.

Thats how most people are in this world. The people I know anyway. No one seems to really care, and if they do care they dont let you know.

Life is a b**** really. We cant do much about it. Everyone is selfish and just out for themselves. What happened to caring for others? What happened to serving others and to opening up our homes to the lost and the broken?

I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a catch!

2009-06-03T18:14:00.004+01:00

My mind is my worst enemy. Its the one thing that the devil can use to really get me down. My thoughts are so negative and damaging. They are the one thing that lower my self-esteem.

I am still self harming and right now its the only friend I have. Its something that lets me feel in the real world again. For me its not about the pain, its not a release of emotion. For me its the only way I know of keeping myself in the present. Its hard to explain.

What about now?

2009-06-03T17:47:00.002+01:00

What about now? Now I have finished college and my life is changing? What am I going to be doing next year, where am I going to end up?

Last week after small group Morgan started asking me what I want to be when I grow up (although I am grown up). I told him I dont know. Morgan couldnt believe that I dont know what I am going to do. Recently my whole view on my career path has been changing. If you had asked me 3months ago what I was going to do with my life I would say 'I'm going to be a counsellor'... now I'm not so sure.

I still want to help people but maybe in a different way, maybe as a prison chaplin or a chaplin in a school/college. I am slowly doubting my ability to help people and to be someone who can make a change.

Yesterday my mother gave me a message from David. David is Joe's dad and Joe is one of the boys in my small group. The message was that Joe loves cell and David and Sara are so pleased that he has this group to go to. Its a real answer to prayer. This message is one that makes me feel a little better but I still have my reservations.

I feel useless at the moment, like there is nothing I can do to help or anyone that wants my help. I feel pushed to the sidelines, so insignificant in everything that is happening at DC3.

Nothing is clear annymore. I have no clue what life holds anymore and this scares me...

I'm not beautiful!

2009-05-18T11:01:00.000+01:00

I'm not beautiful - no matter what anyone says I'm not beautiful!

I always find God works in weird and wonderful ways. Last night He was telling me that I am beautiful but I cant understand why He would, why anyone would, think that. How can I be beautiful?

I have hundreds of scars, loads of flabby bits, i'm short and not attractive. I cant be loved by anyone at all. I dont understand why God thinks i am beautiful!

I'M NOT, AND NEVER WILL BE, BEAUTIFUL!

All she does is moan...

2009-05-14T13:28:00.001+01:00

All she does is moan. She wonders why we dont want to be around her. We all have our own problems and stress atm but she doesnt seem to get that. I have so much stress right now about passing my exams without her problems at all.

Her probems are not really problems at all! And her relationship is not a relationship. He is using her, to him she is just someone to come back to every month for a quicky and a bit of fun.

She cant see how flipping selfish she is and how self-centred she is. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE it!

How can I deal with this? We have told her how we feel but she is still flipping moaning, she doesnt get it! I cant wait till I leave college and never have to see her again!

A bad hangover, a busted hand and the memory of kicking someone in the ribs...

2009-05-04T19:14:00.002+01:00

hmm, last night. A big blur with alot of random memories. It was an interesting night to say the least. But one that I would happily forget. Last night made me remember the mess that I'm in and how I am looking in all the wrong places for help.

I am looking at alcohol, sex, cutting, appreciation... anything other than God to make me feel better. But I no longer want to be like this, I dont want to keep looking to things that will destroy me to make me feel better.

As the title of this says I have a bad hangover, a busted hand and I kicked someone in the ribs, to be fair the latter was in self defence. But thats not the point. I shouldnt be like this. Why am I like this? I dont really know... All I know is that I'm broken inside, I am hurting and no one cares.

I mutilate myself to make the pain real. Like last night, I just kept punching a wall until my knuckles were about to bleed. Any why? Because I felt, still feel, so worthless and unloved. So untouchable and so ashamed of who I am. I am not the person God wants me to be, or the person I want to be. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be that person.

All I know right now though is that I'm just a lost girl trying to find her way home... and she is calling out for help but no one is taking the time to listen or care.

Smallgroup 789

2009-04-28T13:17:00.001+01:00

Smallgroup 789 is starting up tonight. It should be fun but I'm a little apprehensive about it. Wish me luck for it. Hopefully it will all go well.

Dont know how long I can do this for...

2009-04-28T08:47:00.002+01:00

I dont know how long I can keep waiting. Everyday my heart is breaking even more but I am also falling more in love with him. God said wait, but how long? I cant keep getting hurt like this. Whenever we agree to meet he cancels, whats wrong with me?

Why does no one love me? Why am I not attractive to others, not good enough for anyone? All I want is to feel loved, to feel accepted and wanted in this life. I dont know what to do. I want, need a straight answer from him. Does he love me or not?

I feel so unworthy, so ashamed of myself. I dont want to feel like this but I do. I always have sinec childhood. The only way I know how to feel love or appreciated is through anything related to sex, which isnt a good way to feel loved. That was the only way I ever felt love or was expressed love in a way that I accepted it. Alot of the time I feel like I have to give him something, or do something to him to make him want me and love me.

If that is true then I know its the wrong type of relationship to be in but to me it seems better than being alone. Anything is better than being alone, I just want to fell loved, be loved and be someone. I dont want to be a nobody anymore.

Please dont forget me...

2009-04-23T18:10:00.004+01:00

Demi Lovato (main actress from Camp Rock) released a song called 'Dont Forget' about a past love. I want to post the lyrics because I feel abit forgotten atm. I cant seem to get through to anyone, everyone is too busy to listen to me.

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

We will miss you Brian

2009-04-23T17:07:00.003+01:00

This is what I want to say to Brian who died on Monday 20th April 2009 due to a brain tumour.

Brian,

I didnt know where else to write this than on here were I can just be me, be the little girl you always knew.

Why did you go? Where did you go? Brian you are, were such a big part of my life and dads life. I have endless memories of chinese down you, down the table and plenty of beer. Those were the days eh? What good times you had with dad.

How can i help him Bri? What can i do to get him through this. You were his only true friend, his childhood partner in crime. The only person who really knew him. You were there for dad when he needed you and we are all grateful for that.

You were like an uncle to michael and i. There to keep us in line but to let us get away with things =) you gave me so many happy memories, some of the few happy ones in my childhood.

I am never going to forget you Brian. I will always love you and miss you. Wherever you are I hope you are safe and will keep us safe... ohh and please dont try and steal our chinese when we have one =P

I hope the tumour has left your brain now Brian and that your memorial service will give you the justice you deserve.

I love you
Ami xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

the world through my eyes

2009-03-16T13:56:00.003Z

Recently I have been listening to Bon Jovi again. I first got into them in 2004 when the build up to Have A Nice Day was happening. That album got me through a very dark period in my life. It helped me see the light. And right now it is doing that again.

The past few months have not been good for me, I have had a lot of stuff happen and a lot of things to think about. I have been very low and my feeling of hope and my enthusiasm (sp?) for life has slowly disappeared.

Last night was a good night at church, God really got to me. I have to thank John for his word, and for his many questions at the end. They really made me think and they have helped me reach out to God and finally ask for help.

The few songs that have been helping to me the most are:
>Someday I'll Be Saturday Night (off Cross Road)
>Welcome To Wherever You Are (off Have A Nice Day)
>Who Says You Can't Go Home (off Have A Nice Day)
>Wildflower (off Have A Nice Day)
>Novocaine (off Have A Nice Day)
>Story Of My Life (off Have A Nice Day)
>Everybody's Broken (off Lost Highway)
>The Last Night (off Lost Highway)
and > One Step Closer (off Lost Highway)

There are many songs there but they all have personal meaning to things I am going through right now, things I have shared and things I have not shared.

I feel lost and lonely right now. I dont feel like I can talk to anyone, mainly becuase when I try to talk to people I get shot down and the focus goes onto them, I never get my point across. I want to talk to people but I dont see the point anymore, why should I try when I will never be able to get my words out?

Sick Day

2009-03-14T11:34:00.002Z

Sick days are wonderful things. I've taken one today. Work is not somewhere I would like to be right now and therefore I am not. Although there are good things in my life and I had a good time after YC last night I woke up in such a bad, upset mod today.

It may be because of my results, it may not. I am not sure what it is, all I know is that I'm not able to face work today.

Life is a bit sucky atm, a few good things but lots of bad spanners are being thrown into the works!

I'll live though, I'm a Pope so I will be ok. So long for now.

Shit stirring

2009-03-05T12:20:00.004Z

I hate those who shit stir, just to get to those around them. I hate it when people shit stir about other people but its worse when they stir about me.

I cant cope with her stirring about my relationship and claiming that he will drop me like that. its so fucking irritating. I cant take this with everything else going on.

I love and trust him, I know he will not go with her, its that little bitch i dont trust! He makes me so happy, when i am with him everything goes away. It no longer matters. I love him and I won't, can't let him slip through my fingers again.

He makes me so happy!

Coloured People...

2009-02-24T21:10:00.004Z

Are we unified? As a community, as a church, as a town, as a county, as a country, as a nation? No, we are not.

As a youth I feel left out of everything, especially my church youth group. I have been there for 18months and still I feel like an outsider, waiting to be accepted by those already in it. Its harsh to say but an afro-caribbean propably has more of a chance of being accepted at church than I do because they are 'different' where as i am the 'same'.

Skin colour should not matter, we are all coloured people. We all need to be loved and accepted by those around us. I am trying to make the younger ones of the youth feel accepted by us older lot. On sunday we all went bowling and I chose to bowl with the younger ones to try and bond with them and let them know they are part of the group, I dont want them to feel like I do. I dont want them to feel isolated, alone, abandoned and unloved by the church, who are our family in Christ.

It says in the Bible that we are all Christs body. Everyone of us, and therefore we need to start accepting each other and stop forming little inside clans/groups that others feel seperated from or awkward when around them.

We have those clans in our youth. I hate being with the youth for that reason, I am not part of any clan. When I am around them I feel so left out and not worth anything or even wanted so I try to avoid those situations.

We need to change and we need to unify. I titled this post 'coloured people' for a reason. That reason is because of the song 'coloured people' by Dc Talk. That song sums up what I am trying to say :

Release...

2009-02-23T13:20:00.003Z

My release is a drug
A simple pill to take
It slips right down
Something inside it wakes

My release is a drink
Soft, sharp and swift
A second, third, fourth
My mind soon drifts

My release is a scream
Deafening to the ear
My body reacts
No longer filled with fear

My release is a cut
A punch to the wall
For a while I'm ok
But soon everything tumbles and falls

My release is something
That only I know
Its all of these things
I need to say no!

My relaese is not good
It needs to look elsewhere
My release is not good
It's not from God!

Back...

2009-02-23T11:00:00.000Z

Ok, I am back from my blogging break. I have lots to say, so prepare for lots of posts in the next few days... if i have time that is.

The end of blogging...

2009-02-12T13:42:00.002Z

This may be my last blog - I can no longer find the words i want when i feel like i need to blog. The words just arnt coming and so I am taking a break I think. A bit like John did... but only I dont know how long I will break for.

Bye for now
xxx

ps saying this, I bet I'll now be able to find the words

It Ends Tonight

2009-02-10T20:17:00.002Z

I'm letting go. After talking to a good friend its time to let go, after listening to a few certain songs its time to let go, after being with God its time to let go!

This cant and wont control me anymore... I refuse to feel guilty over what happened... what is done is done. God can work in me, through grace, to get me back to being pure and true and all will be well.

That is not to say that I will stop thinking about what I did. I will always be thinking about it but now it will not be thought with guilt.

Tonight it ends, I'm free from this guilt =)

I cant cope with this anymore

2009-02-08T16:12:00.004Z

I cant do this, the guilt is too much! I dont know what to do, I cant tell anyone what I've done because I will be judged and I cant keep silent because this is eating me up. I couldnt worship through singing today at Church, I froze. I took communion but only because that was the only way I could worshoip and I felt like I had to.

I have done something that I shouldnt have but I needed to do it to help me get over something. If that picture above is true then I shouldnt be feeling this guilt and if I truely believed it I shouldnt be worrying about what has happened...

I want to tell someone but I cant. I dont know how to deal with this but what I've done is too bad to talk about, but it helped me in a wierd way. I needed to do it to get over my fear.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and so full of guilt!

How I'm Feeling

2009-02-06T15:44:00.003Z

I havent got the words today, so here is a song by Avril Lavigne called Anything But Ordinary

You can't break a broken heart...

2009-02-03T19:44:00.003Z

I don't really know what is going on with me today. I am better than I was but I'm still broken, lost, confused and a little bit numb.

I had a good chat with David monday night. We were babysitting Joseph and we had a good heart to heart about all the shit going on atm. Things made sense for a while, but I also had more things to think about after monday.

Yesterday I took a "sick" day... to be fair my tutor was off ill anyway but thats not the point. I spent yesterday morning lying in bed watching rubbish on tv, trying to get the energy to get out of bed and get dressed... eventually I did and I then went out for a walk. Mainly to clear my head but also to get out of the house. Its extremly suffocating.

I thought things couldnt get any worse but they have... in one sense what has happened is a good thing but it also over complicates everything! There is a huge decision I now have to make... so I titled this 'You Can't Break A Broken Heart' but I don't know if thats true.

My heart is broken, being healed I hope but also being broken in many new ways...

So many emotions...

2009-02-02T08:39:00.002Z

"Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn"

Those lyrics sum up how I feel at the moment. Everything is happening at once and I'm trying to hold on to Gods promise but its hard... flipping hard!

Last night at youth it was about our 'personal isaacs'... I have many, I couldnt take part in the prayer. I had to escape last night, I spent about 1hour standing in the snow. I couldnt do anything. I wanted to ask for help and tell people what is wrong but I just froze standing there in the snow.

John came out when I was having a fag and he prayed for me... I love it when John prays, you can tell that he truely means everything he says. Normally I can tell everything to John but last night I couldnt... I froze infront of him. He asked me what was wrong and I stayed silent.

I want to be able to say what is wrong but I feel like a burden to everyone and so I stay quiet.

All hope I once had has been lost, I'm lost, lonely and confused. I am going to a firends tonight to chat and hang out. I want to feel like I can tell him what is going on but I feel guilty because he has recently spilt with his girlfriend. He has enough going on without all my shit aswell.

Jesus I need you! I want to know your love, hope and grace again! I want to be happy again and not have all of this crap hanging over my head! Be with me Lord God, please Jesus help me! I thank you for what You have already done for me and what You are doing in me without me realising me and everything that You will do. Amen!

Please Please Please... Help Me!

2009-01-29T14:13:00.005Z

For most of my life I have heard voices in my head... I suffer from paranoia. For a while the voices went away but now they have come back and are stonger than before.

Sometimes I can block out the voices and ignore them but since they came back they are stronger than they have ever been. All day every day my mind is like a war zone, voices shouting over each other… there is no peace!

I feel like I’m just a sad song with nothing to say… I am trying to find my voice but I can’t. These voices control me. I want to speak out to people but they hold me back. This blog is my only form of expression at the moment apart from one friend. This friend understands what I am talking about. He doesn’t judge me or condone me in any way possible.

I want these voices to go. Or to at least be able to block them out again. I just want to be able to feel free.

Have a little faith...

2009-01-27T12:58:00.003Z

Last year I experienced seeing the sunrise on the beach with the best people I know. Standing there capturing the above picture was something I will remember for the rest of my days.

It is moments like this that help me keep the faith. With all that is going on today and everything that is happening to those around me I need to keep the faith! I find myself falling into a black hole of needing to be in those beautiful moments.

Last night I experienced one of those beautiful moments and today life seems a little brighter... even with everything that I am battling.

I'm getting there... it is taking me a long time but I am going to be ok. I can safely say that I trust God and He is delivering everything that I am asking for. He has given me friends, hope, family, a future and most of all He is my Dad... a Dad who is never going to abandon me, stop loving me, hit me or do anything to hurt me.

My prayer for the future? For all the stuff going on to be sorted, for something to happen and for my faith to increase and my relationship with God to grow and strengthen.

I dont know what to call this so it will be called this...

2009-01-23T13:06:00.002Z

I was at a gig on wednesday night and a girl i know from college was there. I dont know her that well and she was drunk at the gig. We started talking though and we were being rather open with each other... maybe a bit too open for my liking but what is done is done right?

She said alot of things to make me think. Alot of things that made me smile and things to encourage me. She gave me a sense of hope for the future and alot of confidence that night.

Through talking to Kate i am now beginning to see that God can use ANYONE He wants to. Kate is a non-practising Jew and doesnt really have a religion or relationship with God but the Lord used her to really speak to me and let me know that everything is going to be ok.

I have hope again =) Praise GOD!!!

Attack!

2009-01-19T19:43:00.003Z

"Your promises, they look like lies
Your honesty, like a back that hides a knife (knife)
I promise you (promise you)
I promise you (promise you)
And I am finally free

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll attack, I will attack"

Those lyrics above are from a song called 'Attack' by 30 Seconds To Mars. I wanted to start this with those lyrics because recently, well the past week, I have felt like I am being attacked by the devil. I can really feel a fight going on in my heart.

Inside this fight is tearing me up inside... I am trying to hold on but its hard. It feels like everything is crashing down all at once.

Life at home is crap, everyone is in a mood all the time and always arguing. I'm constantly worried about my dads health, about how my nan is and how Auntie Maggie and Uncle Tim are doing.

Exams at college and all the stress of all my friends falling out and having breakdowns themselves. I am carrying the group on my shoulders - trying to keep us all together... where are they when I need them?

Satan is really attacking me atm. With my relationships, family and friends. I know I should be turning to God but I dont know what to say. I feel like I have done something wrong and that God is going to be disappointed in me. It propably sounds stupid but I am scared of what my dad in Heaven is going to say to me for not turning to Him earlier.

All I know right now is that I am being attacked but the Devil, he is using me as his weapon! My heart is the fight... one that I feel I am loosing.

At times like these...

2009-01-15T13:20:00.003Z

I'm sitting here at home, feeling like crap. Knowing that I've got to be better by tonight but somehow I'm not really bothered... Ok so i'm bothered about being ill but i dont really care about having to go out tonight.

Its at times like these when life hits me in the face! There is not many better oppertunities to reflect on life, the present day, than when you are stuck at home ill. I went to the doctors today to see if he could tell me what was wrong... but no he was stumped. This is why i never go to the doctors - they never know whats going on with me.

This made me think... if i start talking to people, my friends, and to God more then people will know what is going on with me and will be able to help me when i need it. Its time I started living my life and stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking.

So actually being ill these past two days has been a good thing! In a wierd way... so Praise God!

What am I doing here?

2009-01-13T10:03:00.004Z

Why am I here? Here, today, at college, why? I have lost all passion I once had for college... it is no longer exciting or interesting. People are getting extremly tiresome, bitter and very pityful. They all take the petty things and make them into drama's. Nothing is good enough for them. They make life so depressing some days.

No matter how hard I try to be positive and happy, they dont get the picture! How can I be enjoying college if everyone around me is bringing me down?

I need to have the strength in Christ to be able to be happy when my friends are not, to be a witness to the lost and to love and to be there for them no matter what!

I need to remember my dream, the reason why I started college in the first place. I want to help people. An in order to go to uni I need to pass my Alevels and finish college. That is my dream and it is what I feel God is calling me too.

Remember... "Without Dreams We Will Never Reach Beyond Our Current Circumstances" - John Maxwell

Reflection

2009-01-12T13:24:00.007Z

How great is our God? Last night was amazing - God gave me the words to say and the timing for my talk. I was so scared about how it was going to come out and I know some others had reservations about it too. But God is good and God is bigger than anything we can ever imagine. Anything we can ever comprehend is no where near how much love our Lord has for us!

IT IS AMAZING
and I am so grateful for that and so thankful for everything that God has given me!

PRAISE GOD FOR ALL IS WELL!

The Secular Life

2009-01-06T12:57:00.006Z

So I'm sitting here at college and I'm contemplating on my old life.

Surrounding me are my friends, my non-xian friends. And I'm beginning to think. What would my life be like if I hadn't have come to know God? It isn't worth thinking about! It's a horrible thought, one I'm not comfortable imagining. I'm not even sure if I would be alive. I was in such a bad place when God saved me that nothing about my future was certain.

I look at my friends and my heart longs for them to know the God I know. The caring, protective, loving but also authoritive God. My Saviour and Father. The life they are leading is one that is turning them all into bitter people. Their souls are being deminished by arguments, rumours, gossip. A life of sin is all they know - it's time they came to know the REAL Jesus!

The life I am leading now needs to be on that will glorify God and spread His love and word to the world. I need to be the light that shines through so my friends can see how good and amazing God is.

All this scares me a bit. And that is why I am putting it on here. Here I can feel scared but ok about being scared. Being scared itself is not as scary when I am typing all of this. The prospect of knowing that God can and will use me to spread His light is a daunghting one, but it is one I am willing to take.

This post has become a different topic to when I started writing it a few days ago... since I started typing I've travelled up north and back down east, I've had deep conversations with my mum and God has made alot of things clear.

All I know is that God is good, God is who we all need to strive to be and God is the only one who can bring people to Him. I'm just the messenger...

Goodbye to a long and sad 2008

2008-12-31T20:37:00.002Z

With a strong drink in my hand and a brain about to explode with thoughts to type I am reflecting on 2008. What a year...

A year of lots of downs, few ups and many in the middle days. But one that I can say has changed and shaped me for better and for worse. This past year has hardened my heart but softened it to two people. It has brought heartache to my world but also the feeling of love. 2008 has made me scared and fearful but has also made me confront alot of fears. This is one year I am looking forward to leaving.

I have not had much hope this year but 2009 brings a new start and new hope for me, it is a year in which I want to achieve something and make my parents proud. It is a year that I want to spend glorifying God and living for Him. But it is also a year where I hope to find happiness, joy and love once again. I want the man I love to get over his fear and to be with me. That is asking alot but I believe we can and will make it through to fight and love another day.

2009 is a year for love, smiles, gladness, friends, family and most of all being on fire for God!

Is God in this moment?

2008-12-29T19:48:00.004Z

There are many times when I feel alone. Luckily today was not one of those days. I had a J round because we had some things we needed to sort out and we are now back on track - everything is going well. I can firmly say that God was in that moment tonight when it all clicked and we sorted it all out.

But can we always believe and say that God is in this moment? I can't. Most of the time I feel alone and that God is somewhere else, helping someone and forgetting me... But this is not true! For the scriptures say that God never leaves us! He never abandons us when we need Him the most:

"No, I will not abandon you as orphans - I will come to you" - John 14:18 (NLT)
"I will never fail you,
I will never abandon you" - Hebrews 13:5 (NLT)
"I will never leave you nor forsake you" - Joshua 1:5

So God never really leaves us - its just our human minds thinking that He has and that He is far away. I guess its the old saying... "you only get out of it what you put in" If we dont strive to be with God 24 hours, 7days a week then we wont feel like we are.

There is a song called 'God in this moment' its by an artist called Gavin Mikhail, below is a video I found on youtube for it. Its an amazing song and sums up what I am trying to say. For me God speaks through music, this is one of those moments wher God is here =) enjoy.

S*** scared

2008-12-26T20:50:00.003Z

On a sunday night the youth of DC3 meet. Every week someone different hosts the night, they speak or we watch a nooma or we do something interactive. It's my turn in a few weeks and I'm scared s***less.

God has given me a huge area to cover and has told me to use my past to get the message across. Most of this stuff I've never told anyone else, the only people who know are the 3 who have read my talk notes.

The closer we get to the sunday of my talk the more nervous I get and the more I want to change my talk... However God has given me this subject and He has a reason for me to speak the words I have written down.

I have alot of things to say that people will not want to hear or like. Things that I feel need to be said and heard by the youth of the church, and then by the leaders of the church. How can we change and move forward if we are not listening to God and are not responding to what He is telling us to do?

All I can do is say my piece, hope its stirs something in peoples hearts and let God do what He wants to do. Prayer would be appreciated by anyone who reads this, friends or strangers. I'm praying for God to give me the strength and courage to tell people my past, the parts I want to keep secret. I'm praying for protection from Satan and for the love of God to overflow within me and shine through the pain and heartache.

Favourites

2008-12-24T21:12:00.002Z

I often wonder if my brother is favoured by my parents over me. Ever since I was a child I was compared to my older brother. Everything was never as good as Michael, I was never as smart, never a popular, never as musical, never as creative/artistic. I was never good enough for anyone.

There has only ever been one thing that I could call my own - photography. But now my brother has taken that up and is better than me. No matter what I do I can't be better than him, I am always living in his shadow.

I feel like I have dissapointed and let down my parents for not finding what I am good and and for not being better or at least equal to Michael. No matter how hard I try I will never be better than him.

This is something I struggle with everyday - and I need to give it to Jesus. I need to leave it at the cross and let Him heal my heart and show me what I am good at and how I am different and better than Michael in my own way.

Wish Lish

2008-12-24T13:49:00.004Z

I have a wish list. A list of things I want to do/achieve before I die. So far there are 21 things on the list, 2 have been ticked off. Get a job - I work in morrisons - and to fall in love with a guy – I have Jason. I put the second one on there because I am bi-sexual and being a Christian means that I want to honour God and so I try and live my life as a straight person. I try to not look at other women, I try to not fall for them, but its hard. There are friends of mine at college who are gorgeous girls that I find myself thinking about. I am glad I am in love with Jase because that means that my mind is taken off Becci – the girl at college.

Someone once told me that its not the feelings themselves that are wrong. Its the action you take, if you act on your feelings then it is wrong. If the feelings are not wrong then why do I feel guilty for liking Becci? Why do I feel wrong and dirty for looking at her in a way in which I should not and for thinking about her?

I know I said that I was glad that I am in love with Jason but sometimes I wish I wasn't. At the moment he wants to be friends. It tears me apart to see him every week knowing that I can't be with him, wishing that I could just go up to him and hug him and kiss him. BUT I CANT! And its so hard. Every where I look there are couples, my brother and his girlfriend, the 4 couples within the church youth, the married couples within church. My friends at college who are in relationships – no matter where I go I cant get away from couples.

Although I have a good friendship with Jason I still want more. The feeling I have was like the one I had when he went out with Sophie and when she came to church. I cant stand it. I don't know what to do and its killing me inside – its tearing me apart and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I'm in a hopeless mess of love and my heart is getting ripped apart every time I see him, hug him, speak to him or even think about him which is all the time...

I often wonder if God has a plan for J and I. God has told me to wait and for Jason to sort out his life first. This makes it harder. Maybe God is seeing how I resist temptation, I don't know. All I know is that I love God, I want to obey Him but I also love Jason and can't stand not being with him.

Faith Tester

2008-12-21T15:27:00.004Z

I wrote this about a year after I became a Christian and it explains how God is everything and how I need Him. When I am not with Him my life falls apart. Its the only poem that I have ever written and actually liked.

Storming clouds, roaring skies
Thundering memories, teary eyes
Feelings of hate, feelings of anger
Feelings of rage, expressed through manga!

You feel yourself slipping, further away
Away from everything, but you want to stay!
Can He save you this final time?
Just like before, shown with bread and wine!

God is our Saviour, God is our Hope,
God is our Father, God helps us cope!
But is it enough, to help me through?
Will He sit and chat, over a brew?

I want to believe, I want to trust,
I want to worship, all this is a must!
A must to save me, a must to live
So with all my heart, to Jesus I give!

And now to conclude on how I feel
It's with my Father,I make a deal!
That deal is to love Him, forever and a day,
To love and trust, whatever He might say!

A thought I found from last year...

2008-12-21T15:13:00.004Z

You know in life we tend not to appreciate what we have until it is taken away from us. I didn’t realise how lucky I was until I moved. Before I moved I had an amazing church, awesome friends and a great school. One of my best friends Jane was such a blessing to me. I miss you so much – you are like a sister to me and I miss our chats, hugs, “raping” sessions on the wall and just pointless laughter. You brightened up my life so much and I cannot thank you enough. Everyone at St.Andrews has helped me in so many ways, if it’s just by smiling or giving me a hug.

We can bless so many people by just being there before we are taken away. I have come to realise that since I moved. Sure I didn’t want to move but I know in my heart of hearts God has a plan for me here. There are people here who need my help and for Jesus’ sake I will serve.

Please don’t take your life for granted – it can be taken away so quickly. It can be hard to accept new lifestyles, but there is always a reason for your being – don’t let it go to waste. Serve God with all your heart.

Even if you are a non-Christian you can make a difference. Someone may need to be shown some love, if so show it to them. There are so many ways to be different, to stand out. Smile to people, hug those who are suffering. Talk to those who feel alone, feed the hungry, and give drinks to the thirsty. Live a life that will influence others and remember to be thankful for what you have today for come tomorrow it could be gone.

Ben Cantelon (a Canadian Christian singer/songwriter) wrote:

“You are strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.”

Let us be that bright hope. We can make a difference to this world. Let us be the generation that brings change – not the one who just wanders through life. William Wilberforce had a dream. His dream was for slave trade in Britain to be abolished. Year in year out he fought for his dream, and then in 1807 slave trade was abolished in Britain. But it wasn’t until the 26th July 1833 that slavery was abolished in this country. Three days before Wilberforce died his dream was accomplished. Who knows what life in Britain would be like now if William had not have stood up for what he believed in.

We can change this world. All we need is faith, love and Jesus with us. Without God we cannot do anything for we are too weak to do anything in our own strength.

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13

“Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.” – Philippians 2:15

Things on the mind...

2008-12-21T15:10:00.000Z

Someones past can tell you alot about them. It can tell you why they behave in a certain way or why they have a certain attitude. Sometimes the person has no choice but to live that way - they may not like it but they know no different.

How can we - as friends - help those people in need? In this world we get so wrapped up in our own lives we can't see what is right in front of us! How can we help others if we are not willing to see? The way we can help others is to wake up, smell the bacon and open our eyes to the ugly truth we are faced with everyday... Life is not pretty - for some people it is a nightmare but we can change that. If we share some love, have some faith and believe in ourselves then this world CAN and WILL change!

I'm not saying that I have this all sorted - i am far from perfect! But I am willing to look past my problems and do my best to help others... We can't expect everyone to come to our rescue and help us if we ourselves are NOT willing to help others.

Think about this:

Are you willing to be unselfish and help a friend or do you want to swan through life especting people to be there when you need them without you looking out for them?

GOSPEL

2008-12-21T14:56:00.002Z

G.od created us to be with Him (Genesis 1-2)

O.ur sin seperated us from God (Genesis 3)

S.ins canot be removed by good deeds (Genesis 4 - Malachi 4)

P.aying the price for sin, Jesus died and rose again (Matthew - Luke)

E.veryone who trusts in Him alone has eternal life (John - Jude)

L.ife that's eternal means we will be with Jesus forever (Revelation 22:5)

How amazing!

2008-12-21T14:19:00.003Z

I was church this morning... as you do on a sunday, and God really hit me.

Yesterday I recieved an album through the post which I had ordered a few weeks ago. And I was worshipping the Lord in my bedroom before church today and I felt God's presence for the first time in a long time.

Today we sang one of the songs from that album - Hosanna by Brooke Fraser. I was captivated by the love of God and by His faithfulness. I had just taken communion with two non-christian friends and I was praying. Then this song came on, I became so overwhealmed with how amazing and wonderful God is!

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (NLT)

Jesus died so that we may have life. Our old, sinful self died with Jesus on that cross. To know Gods overflowing love is a miricle in itself. 'For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.' - John 3:16 (NLT)

At the end of todays service Adrian offerd for anyone who had not given their heart to Christ to come up to the front and write their name on a heart shaped post it and stick it on the crib. He then offered for Christians who had fallen off the track and need to realign with God to do the same.

I felt God calling me to go write my name and stick it on the crib. I did and once again I felt free of everything that has been holding me back so months.

JESUS IS LORD, HE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HIM!

A broken family

2008-12-20T20:52:00.004Z

Dad, Maggie and Nana are all ill. Dad has been ill since he was 12, he hasnt looked after himself and so isnt doing well. My Nan's body if finally catching up with her and so she is rapidly breaking down. My mum is having to trave the 108miles once/twice a month to look after her. My nan is so fragile. She is also stubborn, because of this she doesnt ask for help and she isnt getting out of her flat. She is slowly dying and not letting anyone help her. As for my Antie Maggie (mums sister) she has Multiple Sclerosis (MS affects the ability of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord to communicate with each other.) My Aunt is nearly 100% paralysed. She has very slurred speech and is not coping well.

My worry and concern is for my mum. Her mum, sister and husband dont have long to live and no one can do anything to save them. Apart from Jesus, I pray that Jesus will shield my mums heart from the pain and that God will give mum the support from my brother and myself and from out Church family at DC3 that she needs to get through the deaths of my family when the time comes. I dont know if she will be able to cope - I dont think I will be able to.

I'm not close to my nan but she is my only grandparent, she has been there when I have needed her and I love her. My Aunt was out of my life for 10years due to a family fued. Now she is back and I haven't seen her in 3years - she lives too far away, mum wont let me go see her. That breaks my heart - I love Auntie Maggie and I dont want the last time I saw her be the final time before she passes. And as for my dad, all I can do is try and spend as much time with him as I can. I am trying not to get angry and upset at him - as hard as it is I am getting there. My dad is one of my heroes - he has fought his illness for 46years and is still alive. I just hope he lives to see me get married and have children - I doubt it though.

A fake church

2008-12-20T19:58:00.001Z

Today God is saying to me that the church we have built ourselves to be is fake. We are living in sin. When we are asked if we are ok we nod and say 'yes, everything is fine'. Is this true though? Most times we are NOT ok. We hide behind a mask, we hide from our brothers and sisters. And from God.

I am guilty of this, and I am trying to be more open and honest with people. A friend of mine was once asked if she was ok at church, she said 'no'. The person that asked her if she was alright replied 'thats good to hear' and then walked off. Are you like the person who walked off? I know I am sometimes. We get so used to everything being 'fine' that we automatically say 'thats good' or 'great, I'm glad you are doing well'.

This is not right! We are too fake as a church, how can we call ourselves the body of Christ when we are living in false skin?