The End

Due to something someone said to me yesterday I have decided to stop blogging. Apparently it is stupid and not the way to get out my feelings. So this is it, its over. No more blogging. No more letting people know how I feel in the only way I know how to and the only way I can.

When I see you smile I know you should love me...

I wish you would love me. I wish it was two way and I didnt feel like you were using me. I love you so much but you dont understand how much you hurt me. Like last night. You promised to come round, were over 1hr late and didnt bother to let me know you were going to be late and then just use me... I cant take this.

I LOVE YOU

and you should love me too. I want you to want me. I want you to love me!

Self-Harm

Its not as rare as people believe. We hide it, we keep it a secret from the world. Most of the time because we are ashamed of what we do and why we do it. Here are some statistics:

* The group with the highest rates of self-harm are young women aged 15-19 years. In all age groups, females are more likely to self-harm than males.
* Self-harm can involve different degrees of risk to life, ranging from a wish to die through to self-harm being used as a coping strategy which allows the person to carry on living. The acts can range from high degree of seriousness resulting in coma, irreversible damage, need for intensive care, through to physical injuries which do not require medical attention.
* Acts of self-harm, particularly habitual self-injury such as self-cutting, are often seen by others as manipulative or attention-seeking. However those who do self-harm have usually lived through very difficult and painful experiences and describe their behaviour as a way of coping with overwhelming feelings and gaining a sense of control.
* Several studies have shown that approximately one out of every 100 people who are seen at hospital for self-harm will die by suicide within a year of the self-harm. This is a suicide risk approximately 100 times that of the general population.
* Rates of self-harm in the UK are among the highest in Europe at 400 per 100,000 per year. self-harm rose dramatically from the late 1960s to the early 1970s, then decreased in the early 1980s but rose again by the end of the decade.
* Women are more likely than men to self-harm, however whereas women once showed two or three times the male rate, recent increases in self-harm by men have changed the female to male ratio to 1.6:1.
* Self Harm is not the same as Self Injury. The former includes minor drug overdoses and parasuicide (attempted suicide) where as the latter does not
* Depression is the most common psychiatric disorder in deliberate self-harm patients.
* The death of a major public figure can influence rates of self-harm, although there is not enough research to understand exactly what factors are involved.
* Approximately 1 in 10 teenagers self injure

Self-harm is a way of expressing very deep distress. Often, people don't know why they self-harm. It's a means of communicating what can't be put into words or even into thoughts and has been described as an inner scream. Afterwards, people feel better able to cope with life again, for a while.

People who harm themselves generally have

1. Issues or traumas that they have not accepted or resolved or
2. Intense emotional pain/ feelings

Types of intense emotional pain or feelings can be: Anger

* Self-Hatred – Often people who self harm feel bad about themselves, which may result in low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

* Despair

* Fear or Anxiety

* Guilt

* Sadness

* Emptiness

* Feeling unreal- This can happen when a person feels so out of touch with everything that they feel numb and alone but by harming themselves they feel more alive

Self-injurers come from all walks of life and all economic brackets. People who harm themselves can be male or female; gay, straight, or bi; Ph.D.s or high-school dropouts; rich or poor; from any country in the world.

all info taken from http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Self-Harm_Information#Statistics

I self harm. I do it because it makes me know that this is all real. Its also a way I can punish myself for the abuse. I hate myself, am very angry, i have high anxiety - i am always comparing myself to others, i suffer from paranoia, i am always lonely, i feel guilty, i feel empty too.

I want to stop but right now there is nothing else... i'm not ready to stop

I wanna cut

I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut I wanna cut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town

S.Andrews is no longer my home. It will always be my first church, and I will always have a place for it in my heart but I feel like a stranger there. I feel lost and as if I don't belong there any more.

I felt a bit invisible last night.I knew a few people but most were new faces who I had no clue of their names. I had to leave rather quickly after the service because I was getting a lift with my mums friend who wanted to be back in case she had to pick up her daughter from a friends house. So I had little chance to catch up with those whom I was good friends with. Half of them didn't see me or realise it was me.

Its no longer my home. But I don't feel DC3 is my home either. It is more of a home than St.A's but there is still something missing - I think its from my part, not from the church.

My trust issues are getting worse and are keeping me from getting close to anyone. People get so far and then that's it they hit a brick wall. The get no closer.

As the song by Nerina Pallot says:

"So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe,
No I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
I just need a hope and a light to follow,
Like sailors look to stars to find their way home,
I'm learning to breathe on my own."

I am slowly getting there, its a long, hard, tough road but one day I will find my home.

Alissa Lies by Jason Michael Carroll

I love this song - its personal to me and I can relate to it.

My little girl met a new friend,
just the other day,
on the playground at school
between the tires and the swings

But she came home with tear-filled eyes,
and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"

Well I just brushed it off at first,
'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt
or the things she had seen.
I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me"

and she said...

"Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"

My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep.
As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet
"God bless my mom and my Dad
and my new friend, Alyssa
*oh*I know she needs you bad

Because Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"

(bridge)

I had the worst night of sleep in years
as I tried to think of a way to calm her fears
I knew just what it was I had to do *I knew exactly what I had to do*
but when we got to school on Monday I heard the news

My little girl asked me why everybody looked so sad
the lump in my throat grew bigger
with every question that she asked.
Until I felt the tears run down my face
and I told her that Alyssa wouldn't be at school today

'Cause she doesn't lie in the classroom
she doesn't lie anymore at school
Alyssa lies with Jesus
because there's nothin' anyone would do

Tears filled my eyes when my little girl asked me why
Alyssa lies
*Oh Daddy, oh* Daddy tell me why
Alyssa lies

Hand down the toilet...

I dropped my toothpaste down the toilet today and so had to fish it out by putting my hand down the toilet. For someone who has OCD I was impressed with myself for getting my toothpaste back. This all made me think...

How often do we put our hand down the toilet - not in the literal sense. We don't physically place our hand in a toilet. If you think about things we do, how we act, they can look clean and pure from the outside but can be dirty on the inside. Just like a toilet. The water looks clean but it isn't.

How often do we end up in those sort of situations? If its going out for a few drinks with mates that turn into more than a few drinks. If its innocently kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend and then it goes further. If its have the odd social cigarette with a friend that becomes an addiction to nicotine?

There are many other things that can be considered as hand down the toilet moments. As Christians we need to learn to know when we are about to put our hand down the toilet and then be strong enough to walk away.

What toilet moments do you have? How can you change them?