S.Andrews is no longer my home. It will always be my first church, and I will always have a place for it in my heart but I feel like a stranger there. I feel lost and as if I don't belong there any more.
I felt a bit invisible last night.I knew a few people but most were new faces who I had no clue of their names. I had to leave rather quickly after the service because I was getting a lift with my mums friend who wanted to be back in case she had to pick up her daughter from a friends house. So I had little chance to catch up with those whom I was good friends with. Half of them didn't see me or realise it was me.
Its no longer my home. But I don't feel DC3 is my home either. It is more of a home than St.A's but there is still something missing - I think its from my part, not from the church.
My trust issues are getting worse and are keeping me from getting close to anyone. People get so far and then that's it they hit a brick wall. The get no closer.
As the song by Nerina Pallot says:
"So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe,
No I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
I just need a hope and a light to follow,
Like sailors look to stars to find their way home,
I'm learning to breathe on my own."
I am slowly getting there, its a long, hard, tough road but one day I will find my home.
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