So many emotions...

"Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn"

Those lyrics sum up how I feel at the moment. Everything is happening at once and I'm trying to hold on to Gods promise but its hard... flipping hard!

Last night at youth it was about our 'personal isaacs'... I have many, I couldnt take part in the prayer. I had to escape last night, I spent about 1hour standing in the snow. I couldnt do anything. I wanted to ask for help and tell people what is wrong but I just froze standing there in the snow.

John came out when I was having a fag and he prayed for me... I love it when John prays, you can tell that he truely means everything he says. Normally I can tell everything to John but last night I couldnt... I froze infront of him. He asked me what was wrong and I stayed silent.

I want to be able to say what is wrong but I feel like a burden to everyone and so I stay quiet.

All hope I once had has been lost, I'm lost, lonely and confused. I am going to a firends tonight to chat and hang out. I want to feel like I can tell him what is going on but I feel guilty because he has recently spilt with his girlfriend. He has enough going on without all my shit aswell.

Jesus I need you! I want to know your love, hope and grace again! I want to be happy again and not have all of this crap hanging over my head! Be with me Lord God, please Jesus help me! I thank you for what You have already done for me and what You are doing in me without me realising me and everything that You will do. Amen!