The Secular Life

So I'm sitting here at college and I'm contemplating on my old life.

Surrounding me are my friends, my non-xian friends. And I'm beginning to think. What would my life be like if I hadn't have come to know God? It isn't worth thinking about! It's a horrible thought, one I'm not comfortable imagining. I'm not even sure if I would be alive. I was in such a bad place when God saved me that nothing about my future was certain.

I look at my friends and my heart longs for them to know the God I know. The caring, protective, loving but also authoritive God. My Saviour and Father. The life they are leading is one that is turning them all into bitter people. Their souls are being deminished by arguments, rumours, gossip. A life of sin is all they know - it's time they came to know the REAL Jesus!

The life I am leading now needs to be on that will glorify God and spread His love and word to the world. I need to be the light that shines through so my friends can see how good and amazing God is.

All this scares me a bit. And that is why I am putting it on here. Here I can feel scared but ok about being scared. Being scared itself is not as scary when I am typing all of this. The prospect of knowing that God can and will use me to spread His light is a daunghting one, but it is one I am willing to take.

This post has become a different topic to when I started writing it a few days ago... since I started typing I've travelled up north and back down east, I've had deep conversations with my mum and God has made alot of things clear.

All I know is that God is good, God is who we all need to strive to be and God is the only one who can bring people to Him. I'm just the messenger...

Wish Lish

I have a wish list. A list of things I want to do/achieve before I die. So far there are 21 things on the list, 2 have been ticked off. Get a job - I work in morrisons - and to fall in love with a guy – I have Jason. I put the second one on there because I am bi-sexual and being a Christian means that I want to honour God and so I try and live my life as a straight person. I try to not look at other women, I try to not fall for them, but its hard. There are friends of mine at college who are gorgeous girls that I find myself thinking about. I am glad I am in love with Jase because that means that my mind is taken off Becci – the girl at college.

Someone once told me that its not the feelings themselves that are wrong. Its the action you take, if you act on your feelings then it is wrong. If the feelings are not wrong then why do I feel guilty for liking Becci? Why do I feel wrong and dirty for looking at her in a way in which I should not and for thinking about her?

I know I said that I was glad that I am in love with Jason but sometimes I wish I wasn't. At the moment he wants to be friends. It tears me apart to see him every week knowing that I can't be with him, wishing that I could just go up to him and hug him and kiss him. BUT I CANT! And its so hard. Every where I look there are couples, my brother and his girlfriend, the 4 couples within the church youth, the married couples within church. My friends at college who are in relationships – no matter where I go I cant get away from couples.

Although I have a good friendship with Jason I still want more. The feeling I have was like the one I had when he went out with Sophie and when she came to church. I cant stand it. I don't know what to do and its killing me inside – its tearing me apart and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I'm in a hopeless mess of love and my heart is getting ripped apart every time I see him, hug him, speak to him or even think about him which is all the time...

I often wonder if God has a plan for J and I. God has told me to wait and for Jason to sort out his life first. This makes it harder. Maybe God is seeing how I resist temptation, I don't know. All I know is that I love God, I want to obey Him but I also love Jason and can't stand not being with him.