Wish Lish

I have a wish list. A list of things I want to do/achieve before I die. So far there are 21 things on the list, 2 have been ticked off. Get a job - I work in morrisons - and to fall in love with a guy – I have Jason. I put the second one on there because I am bi-sexual and being a Christian means that I want to honour God and so I try and live my life as a straight person. I try to not look at other women, I try to not fall for them, but its hard. There are friends of mine at college who are gorgeous girls that I find myself thinking about. I am glad I am in love with Jase because that means that my mind is taken off Becci – the girl at college.

Someone once told me that its not the feelings themselves that are wrong. Its the action you take, if you act on your feelings then it is wrong. If the feelings are not wrong then why do I feel guilty for liking Becci? Why do I feel wrong and dirty for looking at her in a way in which I should not and for thinking about her?

I know I said that I was glad that I am in love with Jason but sometimes I wish I wasn't. At the moment he wants to be friends. It tears me apart to see him every week knowing that I can't be with him, wishing that I could just go up to him and hug him and kiss him. BUT I CANT! And its so hard. Every where I look there are couples, my brother and his girlfriend, the 4 couples within the church youth, the married couples within church. My friends at college who are in relationships – no matter where I go I cant get away from couples.

Although I have a good friendship with Jason I still want more. The feeling I have was like the one I had when he went out with Sophie and when she came to church. I cant stand it. I don't know what to do and its killing me inside – its tearing me apart and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I'm in a hopeless mess of love and my heart is getting ripped apart every time I see him, hug him, speak to him or even think about him which is all the time...

I often wonder if God has a plan for J and I. God has told me to wait and for Jason to sort out his life first. This makes it harder. Maybe God is seeing how I resist temptation, I don't know. All I know is that I love God, I want to obey Him but I also love Jason and can't stand not being with him.